I look at the struggles some of the new people go through. I remember those struggles! I think almost all of us come into this arena, which I'm going to call a traditional relationship, with very clear ideas! We read stories that are erotic, or loving, and in the best scenario, a mix of both! We imagine how it would be to have a big, strong, husband really taking care of us; Making decisions, leading us, holding us accountable, and just being... men. Real men. John Wayne kinda men. Ssswooon!
Only then you are actually dealing with one and visions of Maureen O'Hara stomping off somewhere makes so much sense to you! It can be hard, and frustrating, and no one mentioned how much a spanking really frickin hurts! No one told you that sometimes you will hate his decision and guess what? It isn't that he didn't hear you and it needs repeating... it's that his decision isn't the one you wanted. Annnd you have to accept it with grace! ARGH!
Submission is hard. Obedience is doing as they say, even when all you want to do is stomp your foot and scream! There was a time when The Man would look at me and say, "Go ahead, stomp your foot, I know you want to." And I would! And man, I'd feel better for it, then I'd wander off and do His bidding. I was never allowed to yell or get smart out of anger, but I could stomp :) I put every little ounce of angst into that stomp, let me assure you.
At least for a minute I could stomp, then I was expected to comply in a peaceful manner. I could fume inside. I could hate it with every breath, I could totally NOT want to do it, as long as I did it, and did it well, and did it with a smile on my face. Attitude counted. I could have my momentary fit, but then I'd better get over it and be focused on accepting/doing whatever it was He commanded. At some point He'd pull me in close and whisper in my ear a reminder about why I'm His, why I obey, why I really, ultimately want to please Him. Those whispers still get me all warm and fuzzy and happily trotting to His will.... usually!
Admittedly there are few times anymore that I desire a foot stomp. I can't even tell you when the last time I desired one was. There are still times when I don't like something, but I've learned there's a big difference between resisting due to fear, and resisting due to dislike. Do you fear his decision? Do you fear his leadership? Or is it that you just don't like it.
I realized that fear, for me, comes from a lack of faith. Faith equals trust. Fear equals faith. They go hand in hand, and if I'm fearing his decision it's because I'm experiencing a lack of faith in His choice. These moments are few and far between now, and when they happen I spend some serious time questioning the source of my lack of faith. Honestly, at this point in our relationship I usually discover the lack of faith isn't even in him anymore, it's in myself. It took a long time, a lot of heart to hearts, patience, pressure, action, and love, to get to a place where He held my absolute faith. Was I obedient? Yes, but was my heart always in that obedience? No, ergo foot stomping.
The fear based rebuffing is completely different from just not liking something.. I don't liiiiike having to exercise. I'd be quite content to whine about needing to lose weight while eating some awesome, homemade enchiladas, and drinking beer. The Crazy Man thinks I should not only exercise, but do it happily, without even whining about it! Just like I accept any decision/thing He chooses without stomping my foot, so too, should exercise come from a place of joy in submission. I have excelled in one area because it was about having faith/trust and losing my fear. The other one though, is somehow harder. I think because it's the smaller moments of, meh I just don't wanna, I don't like it, whine, whine, pout, that are seemingly inconsequential. I mean they aren't as important as taking a leap of faith, right? So how much does it matter? Sigh... a lot.
Mr. Man told me to think on this today. Think on being a good girl and all the different ways that being obedient means not just being, but joyfully being, obedient. Happily accepting what His desire is, (Here's the clincher) regardless of what that desire is. In other words, not just when we are talking about the big, scary, leap of faith, all your trust vested stuff, but the small~ just don't like it and it makes me pout, stuff too. So I've thought and realized that obedience and submission means focusing on Him even in the small things. I've rediscovered what I already knew~ it requires a tremendous amount of selflessness, but then so does being a great leader. The selflessness on both sides, in even the small ways, is what keeps this circle going round.
Why should I be happy to exercise? Because sometimes being submissive and obedient is about working through your lack of faith. Other times though, it's about learning how to disregard your knee jerk dislike/crankiness over the matter and truly finding the joy in just doing it because it makes Him happy. When I focus on the joy of submitting to Him, I find the joy in the action itself. The action becomes representative of my submission, my love for Him.
So that's what I'm working on.. letting go of the dislike factor, accepting it with grace, and then some day, maybe even deciding I like Him enough, to like the action He is insisting upon. Okay, I already like Him enough ;) but I still need some work on getting to the liking it piece. Mantra: Elliptical represents submission and love, embrace it with joy. The lesson has been reiterated, but the mantra is going to need some work.