So today I'm thinking a lot, a HUGE amount on how much the Man has changed my life for the better. I don't know what I'd do without Him, I really don't. I come from a crazy family. I mean they take all the fun out of dysfunctional. You can't even get a good laugh out of it because you are so busy scooping your jaw off the floor. The really crazy part is that they aren't even alcoholics or anything, they are just totally off the charts crazy! Okay, they were mostly raised by alcoholics so that probably has something to do with it, but still it's their very own brand of insane.
Here's the problem... I was raised differently. I have completely different reactions to things. I like to call my reactions... sanity. They however, do not recognize sanity because they well, aren't sane. It's unfamiliar territory to them. To them, I am the insane one who needs "fixing," because since they all see things the same way, and I'm the odd man out... obviously, I am the crazy one. The fact that I have an amazingly happy life where everything I ever dreamed of is a part of it, while they live in various states of misery, doesn't seem to register with them.... of course that's part of the whole "crazy factor."
Another piece of the "crazy factor" is that when you are the one sane person amongst insanity you begin doubting yourself. It's truly bizarre, but it happens. They have this way of sucking you in. They have this way of making you think, that just maybe, since you are the only one in the herd, it really is you!
When I met The Man, he asked me three things I wanted to work on for me. I listed being able to get disentangled from my family, as one. I kept trying to do it. I, in fact would do it for awhile, but somehow, they'd always reel me back, send me to the brink of insanity... and then I'd reign myself in. I told Him that I'd really like to stop that particular merry go round. It wasn't healthy. It did nothing, but produce negativity in my life, but I just didn't know how to do it. I admit, at that point, I still could get hung up on "family obligation." I also don't like fighting, or conflict and I couldn't ever seem to sort of go my own way, without a major fight!
So here's The Man. He comes along and He teaches me what love really is all about. He teaches me how to be honest without being hurtful. He teaches me to examine my own hypocrisies. He teaches me to listen without judgment. He teaches me to see the world in a whole new beautiful light. Or maybe, it'd be better to say that He taught me all of the things I thought might be true, were. He taught me how to not only think of boundaries, but to actually put them in place. He taught me to be true to myself and my beliefs. He helped change me into who I always wanted to be. Or better yet, He taught me how to be strong enough to be true to myself. I was trying to be healthy in a situation that was impossible to be healthy in because I didn't have anyone shoring me up, saying, no honey, it isn't you that sees this all kinds of messed up.. it IS all kinds of messed up. Whew!
So at long last, I've become disentangled. I can not adequately express what a relief it is. I can not begin to express how grateful I am to have Him, shoring me up, and teaching me how wide open love can be. There's the key though. In order for Him to help me learn all of these things, I had to be wide open to Him. No hiding. No secrets. No hidden fears or guilt. Wide open all of the time. He insisted on it and when it was hard, He forced it.
I see TTWD as a piece of the whole... The marriage is about being wide open to each other, without secrets, judgments, recriminations, criticism, and so on. I think the relationship is supposed to make you a stronger, better, healthier, happier, you. I don't know why spanking seems to help make people more open to one another, it just does. To me, that's the whole point, being wide open to one another, that's the sweet spot, that's where you find everything; truth, love, yourself, and your very best friend.