The Story (Part One)

I started off on this path almost 11 years ago. It seems so long ago! The exploration, research, figuring it out, discovering that I wasn't actually alone in the crazy meanderings of fantasies unmet. I think that was the very best part... I wasn't alone! Not only that, but it didn't have to be a fantasy, it could even be reality. It was reality for some!

I brought it up to my husband, he tried~ kinda. He just didn't get it... not really. Honestly, I didn't get it all either. When you are new, there are growing pains, and trying to make sense of what you are, who you are, what you need, what you want, what you like, and what you don't! With each layer you figure out, a new one is revealed... and with it a new question. He couldn't guide me through that... heck, he couldn't guide me through anything! Which is probably a big part of why I was soooo hungry for it. I was so tired of being the guide in everything! I tried to let it go, I figured that he couldn't be what I needed any more than he could change the color of his eyes. Except then I realized that just like he couldn't be what I needed, I couldn't live without any of my needs being met. Eventually we split, and not because of DD, but because of so many, many, many ways that neither of us could get what we needed from the other. 

I dated for a few years. Entrepreneurs, County Directors, Ministers, Military men, all strong, all successful, all spankers! Life was good, except for two tiny things. Okay, not so tiny. If they fell in love with me, they stopped being strong... ugh. They wanted to "Please me" and "do whatever to make me happy" which was completely the opposite of what I wanted. I wanted strong. I needed strong. I didn't want to rule their worlds, I wanted them to rule mine.

The second problem was that even if they didn't fall in love with me, it never took long for me to wear them down. Subtle manipulation, a little sexual seduction, a whine here, a pout there, a bit of indignation, a litany of reasons explaining how it really wasn't my fault.... I could wear them down. Not every time, but often enough that it was exasperating. I didn't want to win, but I sure had to try, I couldn't just hand them their victory. I couldn't just meekly fold. I wished I could, geeze it'd make life a lot easier, but it wasn't in me. I had to be taken! Wasn't there a man out there strong enough for me?!

I decided that maybe I was better off just dating. Maybe I was just too stubborn. Maybe I was just too manipulative and crafty... and maybe that was okay.  I mean, I was a pretty happy person. I loved my life actually. Loved my house, my community, had a lot of friends, three great kids, and was on the way to figuring out the crazy thing called a career, so what the heck. Why not just date and have fun? I could date a while, meet interesting men, enjoy them while it lasted, and then move on. If that's how I spent my life, well, that was better than being in the wrong marriage for sure... I could sort of have the best of both worlds, right? I mean it wasn't really the best, but it was a decent enough compromise, right? So okay, good to go, new plan! I like plans, plans make me feel good, happy, and in control :)

Well, we know what they say about the best laid plans. I wound up on a dating site, via a friend. She asked me to check out a guy she was looking to date. Okay, sure, I look, he seemed decent enough, whatever. Only then curiosity got to me :) And you know the story about the cat, right? Yeah. I checked out who was within an hour of me, and the second profile I saw made my heart stop. One flash of the picture and everything in me said, that's the guy. Weird. Scary. I left it alone :) For like four months. Seriously! I'd go back and look at his profile every so often to see if he'd found someone. He was still looking. Hm. He crept into a couple of dreams. Weird! Finally at 3 Am on a Saturday (okay Sunday) morning, when I couldn't sleep... I emailed him. Three lines.

Six days later I was meeting him for dinner. I drove there thinking, this is it, if this guy isn't the one for me, I'm really sticking with the plan... I'm giving up the ghost, I'm a dating only girl!