I admit it... I used to get really hung up on labels. I needed one that described me. I needed one that I could easily identify with... hey, we all do it! We like labels, despite our insistence that we shouldn't do it, we like them! We hear the label and boom! we can deduce something about the person and whether or not we think they will fit in with us, or more apt, will we fit in with them? With that group? Will we be accepted? So for ease, for quick deduction, we label. We've always done it, and we listen to our kids doing it.
She's a cheerleader
He's a Jock
She's the Prom Queen type
He's a Lawyer
She's a teacher
He's a Republican
She's a liberal
They are really religious
The list and labels goes on and on. It's all well and fine really, it's what we do. 11 Years ago when I started exploring this thing that had niggled relentlessly in the back of my brain... I was flummoxed! So many labels that I didn't know, let alone could identify with.
"So, what are you?"
"Uh, what am I?"
"Yeah, are you a bottom, top, switch, slave, sub, Domme, spanko, brat, 50's lifestyler, what?"
"Uh... is there an I dream of Jeannie group?"
Wouldn't it be awesome to hear, "Yeah, next door on the left."
I tired them on, sub, slave, bottom, spanko, brat, but I seemed to caveat myself out of each of them. I mean, each one hit the spot (HA!) here, or there, but none of them were really all inclusive of who I am. I like all inclusive. I mean I understand there are exceptions to each thing, but when you feel like: I'm z, well, I mean I'm z, but with more s than t, and there isn't any r involved, and I'd be cool with more t, but he likes v better... give me a break!
It's taken me 4 years with Mr. Man to finally get what I am, what I always really longed to be:
Not a modern wife.
Not an independent wife.
An obedient wife.
His obedient wife.
For years I tried to figure out how to walk the line between how our relationship exists and how to portray myself to other people. I really struggled. You feel like you have a secret. You feel like you are pretending to be able to make decisions that are no longer yours to make.. and most women don't understand that. You can't say to someone, "Gee, Louise, I'd love to buy that, but I have to ask Joe for permission."
Okay, maybe you can, but with the women I know, you sure couldn't.... at least not without some major blow back.
I was constantly on this wire, trying to be seen "correctly", trying not to reveal "the secret" all while being asked, "How do you guys have such a great marriage?"
Uh......... blink blink
I finally got it though... I can say, we have a traditional marriage. I can define respect, and obedience, and striving to make Him happy, under that label. And I can still be funny, and I can still be a smart ass (oh so carefully ;D). I can explain why I like keeping the house clean, and making Him breakfast, and listening about His job, and dressing in skirts and dresses, and being a wife. I can explain what being a wife, to me, and to Him, means. Suddenly I have a label, a definition, that suits me, that I don't have to feel like I'm hiding from. Freedom! And more importantly, I have a corner stone to speak from on why our marriage is so great. I want to be able to tell people. I want to help other people explore themselves, and their marriage. I want to help people find the love they doubt really exists.
When you feel like you have to hide a piece of yourself from everyone else, especially a piece that makes you so happy, you wind up feeling really conflicted about it. You struggle with submitting to Him, because it's wrong. Society says so! And see how screwed up you are because you can't even tell people that you do submit to Him, further proving just how wrong it is... it has to be a secret! Look, submission is hard. Obedience is hard. Even though you desire it, it's still hard. It flies in the face of everything we've been taught. (I'm not supposed to like doing His laundry, I am suppose to bitch about Him leaving it on the floor! Really, just ask anyone!) Pile on the secrecy and you are talking about serious inner conflicts that compound each other exponentially.
Once I figured that out, once I could let go of all the other titles, and secrets, I could just.. be. I could just be His obedient wife. Striving to please Him. Striving to be more obedient to His desires. I'm never going to be perfect at it. I'm always going to wind up bent over the side of the bed swearing I'll try harder, but now I have a label. I have the name of what exactly I'm striving for... An obedient wife, and everything that label encompasses in my (and His) mind.